nativity scenes

while stopping in at some friends' the other evening for eggnog, i noticed something for the first time. my friends collect nativity scenes. displayed there on the header, these are engaged in a veritable parade of nativity, each float telling the same story but doing so with style and aesthetic nuance that separates it from the others.

now THERE’s a collection idea: something that you can bring out once a year at a time when everyone displays theirs…
i have some Christmas albums (listed here in no particular order) that accomplish the same thing:

Band Aid:
Do They Know It's Christmas? (1984)
a band of pop musicians drawn together by bob geldof (of the boomtown rats) and midge ure (of ultravox) on november 25, 1984 to record a special benefit song written by geldof and ure to raise money and awareness for the victims of a famine of biblical proportions in ethiopia that year. a larger live concert event called Live Aid was staged the following summer for the same cause. through the concert tickets, recordings, books and other merchandise, as well as the benefit moneys that were raised during the actual global 'telemiracle'-type concerts, over $300 000 000 was raised. the band aid record and the live aid concerts, although not the first benefits of this type (george harrison of the beatles staged The Concert for Bangladesh on august 1, 1971 which probably served as a helpful model for geldof's Live Aid event) they seemed to usher in a new era where pop musicians began to use their celebrity and their influence as a conversive, rather than subversive force for world change.

Various Artists:
A Very Special Christmas (1987)
many pop stars who met each other for the first time either in the recording of 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' , the american music industry's benefit song 'We Are The World' (written by Michael Jackson) the canadian music industry's contribution 'Tears Are Not Enough', or in the blur that culminated on july 13, 1985 with Live Aid, rallied to put together an album of Christmas favourites old and new for Special Olympics.

Jon Anderson:
Three Ships (1985)
the singer of the progressively epic art rock band 'yes' and longtime collaborator with vangelis (electronic composer of the oscar awarded soundtrack to the film Chariots of Fire) put together a particularly spacey, mid 80's-esque collection of Christmas songs and justice anthems. The record was dedicated to raising awareness for 'Beyond War' which continues to be a voice for justice and peace even today.

John Denver & The Muppets:
A Christmas Together
the soundtrack of a 1979 television special of the same name, this muppet record features a rollicking version of the beach boys' christmas hit 'little saint nick' (which follows the same formula as their earlier tune 'little deuce coup') that i worked up with a group of grade 7's during my internship at lakeview school in 1987. yep, our performance featured puppets as well. those 'kids' are now all 34 years old... 11 years older than i was when i taught them.

Boney M:
Christmas Album (1981)
okay, i do NOT know why i have this album. i've never actually bought the record, yet have somehow owned 3 copies. however, speaking of christmas concerts, how would we live without 'mary's boy child' at least once in the holiday season?

Zero Mostel/ Alan Mills:
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1957)
the grinch story is great, but only takes up one side of the record and, in truth, i've never played it. i bought this record at value village because of side2: Christmas Songs From Many Lands, sung in english by alan mills. see, my brother-in-law used to play this folk record when we would come to visit at Christmastime to play games and drink egg nog. terry was twelve years older than his baby sister, vonda, and was the closest thing to a true modern day renaissance man that i will probably ever meet. a brilliant artist, athlete, musician, leader, educator, dad and friend, his friendship and approval were kind of a big deal to me as i was trying to find my place in my wife's family...we played tennis together and talked about God and the beatles and i always said i wanted to be like terry when i grew up. he was killed with his wife by a drunk driver on october 11, 2003.

George Frederick Handel:
Messiah (1741)
handel wrote this entire oratorio over a three week period. a powerfully spiritual encounter for the composer resulted in one of the most famous and well respected pieces of music ever to feature words and music by God.

Michael W. Smith:
Christmas (1988)
orchestra, choir, synthesizers and some basic guitar, bass and drums come together in an album so rich in classical texture and (with the exception of, perhaps a painfully 80's rendition of 'angels we have heard on high') timeless in its delivery that it can be played outside the Christmas season and still bring about a rich awareness of the presence of God in the room.

each of these tells the same story- albeit the details and priorities may vary from telling to telling, each one of these bears tidings of great joy which shall be to all people…for unto you is born this day, in the city of David, a Saviour which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying
‘Glory to God in the highest- and on earth peace, good will towards men!’ (luke 2.10-14)

i know these words almost verbatim because linus has recited them yearly as part of A Charlie Brown Christmas since 1965.

dear abbey

recently a friend sent me a note asking a basic question:
why aren't the people i love drawing the same conclusions from scripture that i am?

here are the highlights of a rather lengthy reply:

***

it's great to read that you are seeking the face of God in all things. for me, there is great encouragement in reading 3000 year old words (the psalms) that call you to the one who is outside of time and yet approachable to those of us bound by it. to be reminded of the calamity that has befallen so many, but which seems to be informed by the perspective of the psalmist challenges and inspires me to examine my own faith perspective for spots that are a bit spare.

you have also been reading the words of paul and have been drawing personal guidance from these scriptures concerning your own journey through this valley time. it is right to be prayerfully considering what the scriptures are saying to us, for we are the only person over whom we have any say. sadly, this is where it gets a little dodgy for most of us:

i know what God is saying to me through the scriptures... why isn't my friend/partner/colleague/parishioner getting the message that's obviously there?'

if someone you care for is searching the scriptures and not receiving the same message as you are from them, there might be a couple of reasons:

1) he/she's not looking in the same way
2) he/she's not looking for the same things

both of these are, perhaps, answers to your the question in your note regarding the discrepancy between what you're being told and what others appear to be.

the control freak in us (ha ha- i'm confessing to harbouring one myself, not accusing you of such!) wants to run things our way. we go to the scriptures that we know will affirm what we already believe, or at the very least, speak upon that topic. we use concordances and bible helps to try and 'get it', all the while knowing what we are wanting to get: an answer that aligns itself with our will. this approach to drawing truth from scripture is not wrong, but it's not the only way to receive a message from God through his word.

sometimes we treat the scriptures the way people work with statistics- choosing to consider the ones that back up our perspective or position.

another way to approach the matter of what scripture says to us and what it doesn't is to simply continue with your regular devotions, reading the scriptures through the lens of your journey today and taking from them the things that this lens draws to your attention. you may draw some really unexpected comfort and insight from the word in areas that initially seem to have nothing to do with the questions you bring to them. yes, this is a more 'mystical' approach, but is far from the random 'open your bible, close your eyes and point at a passage' approach that people often default to. it simply involves continuing the faithful discipline of reading scripture, seeking biblical truth from the word in context.

try journaling your thoughts as you read. see where they go. stream of consciousness is a gift that God has given us so we can perceive the ideas that he has linked together in his larger themes. see if the passage you are reading reminds you of something else and then use the concordance to try to find that and read it as well. i am often amazed at how God seems to have so much to say in some rather unlikely places. i would give you some recent examples, but this note is already pretty long without anecdotes...

ID, Superego and the UFC glove

when we read in paul's writings about the 'sinful nature' (some translations use the word 'flesh') we mustn't default, like the ascetics did, to the notion that our flesh is somehow bad. God created human beings and pronounced the creation very good. a traditional phrase seems to say it all: we are called God's crowned of creation.

so what about this troublesome 'sinful nature?' referred to in galatians 5.16-18

in the original greek, the word is sarx, a word that carries with is some interesting overtones.

Sarx:
1) the animal nature with cravings which incite to sin
2) denotes mere human nature, the earthly nature of man apart from divine influence, therefore prone to sin and opposed to God… the beast within; the heart of a man

the heart is a wild thing- it engages with the world from a place of complete self interest. its M.O. is do or be done to…

sigmund freud, the father of modern psychology, describes the dichotomy of the ID vs SuperEgo at great length. basically, one part of us- the self interested and self serving part- is only motivated by gratification, while the other part of us- the socialized part- is motivated by the upholding of a sense of order, balance and justice in all things.

but what if we're seeing the relationship wrong? what if we're seeing these opposites as adversaries doing battle when really they are really team mates?

perhaps the ID and the Superego aren’t opposed to each other at all- perhaps they complement one another in that the ID (inward, self interested) self is enwrapped in the Superego (outward, socially and spiritually conscious) self.

recently i viewed a rather unlikely christmas special: a pay-per-view UFC event.

the UFC glove is an interesting thing. whereas it affords the wearer with limited digit dexterity need to compete in a UFC match, it would definitely be an encumbrance for one trying to play guitar well or perform dental surgery or type a really insightful blogpost. the UFC glove exists for the purpose of the protection of the competitors, nothing more.

perhaps there is a model here: if the ID is the fist and the Superego is the glove, then it seems to make sense that, like the UFC glove, the Superego with all of its orderly politics, systemic structures, laws and religions cushions the ID from the harshness of the world outside (and from the violence it tends to inflict), while also cushioning the world from harshness of the ID...

unsurrendered to the Spirit (pneuma) of God, they may work together to keep us from being all that we could be in Christ the way a UFC glove might make it difficult to perform fine adjustments when doing a tune-up on the vehicle of someone who can't afford to take it into the shop.

any colour you like

After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb." (revelation7.9-10)
it's nice to just take an idea and run with it a ways; see where it goes. i was thinking about this big worship gathering revealed by God and described by john when something gelled...

the apostle john, exiled on the island of patmos while his faith brothers are all being systematically murdered for their terrorist ties with the rabbi known as jeshua ben joseph, describes the worship crowd gathered as multicultural, multi-ethnic, multilinguistic and so on. a fairly heterogenous group, all standing there waving palm branches just like when Jesus arrived in jerusalem, only instead of crying 'save us' (hosanna) they are proclaiming to whom salvation belongs.

but it's the white robes bit that really caught me, in light of all that comes before it. i suppose it's fair to say that white is Jesus' team colour, what with all that 'washes white as snow' talk. however, one might lose track of another possible significance of the multitudes clothed in white, defaulting to the simple truth that white shows dirt and can therefore only be seen as white when it is pure... the white stands for purity.

not that there's anything wrong with that.

so many things in our physical realm are not necessarily restricted to being only what they seem: take a simple beam of white light. we all remember the science class project where a beam of white light is directed into a glass prism which separates the colour spectrum of that beam of light and projects these colours on the wall adjacent to it. then there is, of course, the classic pink floyd album cover...

here's the thing, though: when we perceive a colour, we are really perceiving how just that band of the spectrum reflects back off of the coloured object: a green object only looks green because it is treated with something (paint, dye, whatever) that reflects only the green in a beam of white light.

a beam of white light contains all the colours of the spectrum in perfect balance and unity. it reflects off of the surface of something conducive representing this perfect balance and unity.

that the great multitude that no one can count, with representation from every nation, tribe, people and language, is singing salvation songs wearing white, reflecting the perfect brilliance of almighty God who is the only source of true light in the cosmos, suggests more than purity.

it speaks of perfect communion.

long waits

okay, so first off, i've gotta say that this actually happened...
i was there.

this phys-ed intern from another school has been sitting in one of the chairs outside the principal's office for an hour and a half, when he is sent to meet the athletic director who is on the phone in his office just off of the gym. the intern is motioned to take a seat, and no sooner does he than the athletic director hangs up and says 'just wait here' and leaves, not returning for another hour and a half.

finally, the athletic director returns, grinning. he thanks the intern for waiting and says that the intern needn't stay any longer, as it is now lunchtime. the intern is a little frustrated by now and pushes back with 'well, i feel like i'm being given the run around- i've been here all morning and have tried to be patient as i've been shuffled from office to office. there's no way i'm going to leave here after all that without the set of long weights that i was sent here for!'

the athletic director looks him in the eye and says
'yes, those were very long waits, weren't they?'

then he winks.

henri nouwen writes:
Waiting seems a dry desert between where we are and where we want to be. We do not enjoy such a place. We want to move out of it and do something worthwhile.

israel was a people accustomed to long waits…
in egypt for over 400 years
in the sihn desert for 40 years
awaiting fulfilment of the genesis 13 promise for 700 years
awaiting fulfilment of the Messianic promise for 1000 years (from david to Jesus…)

and through all this time of waiting, it was the role of the prophet to be instrumental in keeping the eyes of the people on the promises of God… to remind them of the love and care of God AND of God’s greater purposes and picture.

the picture of God is a big picture
the song of God is a long song
the story of God is an epic story...

an epic story that can be taken in by the eye of God at once from God's vantage point, outside of time and circumstance, but which takes thousands of years to come to realization in our own temporal realm, with each of us only getting a brief, 70-year glimpse of a tiny portion of the larger work that is God's ongoing passion play- this cosmic drama in which we all have a key role.

it's like treebeard the ent tries to explain in lord of the rings:
You must understand, young Hobbit, it takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish. And we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say. (JRR Tolkien)

so in isaiah 9.6-7, the prophet reminds a waiting people of that which they already know:
“a child is born” – the Messiah will come as a human being,
“a son is given” – the Messiah will be of divine origin.
“reign on David’s throne” – he will be of David’s line
and that by his coming, light will dawn again in the land of the shadow. (9.2)

so as we move into the season of advent (from the latin word adventus, meaning 'coming') we embrace, yearly, a period of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of the Nativity of Jesus.

but we need to be reminded of so many things, it seems.

this is why every year we move through the advent calendar, opening a door each day which reveals a new and exciting gift. this is why every sunday in the advent season, we focus upon one of the four big themes of this waiting. this is why we light a new candle each week to signify love, peace, hope or joy before coming together to celebrate the birth of Christ, the embodiment of these things and God's rich redemptive gift to all humankind, on Christmas.

because we need to be reminded of them.

for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life. (john 3.16)

when i was very young, my grandmother gave me a little plaque with this verse on it. somehow, just by looking at this plaque i memorized the verse (didn't even need to go to biblegateway.com to post it here...)

and yet it is so easy to forget that the story of Jesus' coming, begins with God's eternal love for us all. called 'the gospel in a nutshell,' john 3.16 doesn't read 'because you were all going to Hell and God felt sorry for you, he sent his son...' Jesus presents the love of God as the reason for all that follows, only mentioning the heroic soul rescue at the conclusion of his 'mission statement.' perhaps this is reason enough to light the love candle first in our season of waiting.

God, in total freedom, has decided to love us… Jesus is the revelation of God’s unending, unconditional love for us human beings. Everything that Jesus has done, said, and undergone is meant to show us that the love we most long for is given to us by God- not because we’ve deserved it, but because God is a God of love. Jesus is God’s most radical attempt to convince us that everything we long for is indeed given us. What God asks of us is to have faith in that love. (Henri Nouwen)

after all, being loved and loving typically makes waiting feel less like a desert and more like an overture.

coffee coupon

by the way... if you want to leave a comment on this 'big talking small fry' blog and aren't part of the whole 'blogosphere' thing, (with your own OpenID, Name URL or Google account) just log your insights as 'anonymous' and then type your name in as part of the comment.
(as per the example on this blogpost)

this way i know who gets a free coffee from northview's 'He-Brews' coffee bar!

tubsong

so according to 2samuel12.20, after having the death of his child confirmed, king david got up and

1. washed (cleansing)
2. put on lotions (anointing)
3. changed clothes (casting off the week's travail)
4. worshiped (declaring/testifying/ enthroning the Divine)
5. had breakfast (getting on with living)

and amidst the cleansing, anointing and changing stages of his personal restoration disciplines, david wrote psalm 51- possibly the first worship song to be sung in the tub…

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

so now what do I do to prepare for these life-changing encounters with God? how am I engaged in cleansing, anointing and casting off the caked-on dirt of a hard week?

surely this is about more than just taking a bath

escape from this mind prison?

last week, vandals left a simple but poignant message on the steps of the church:

Escape from this Mind Prison

i almost put it on the sign out front, not as some kind of a gesture against those who took the care to stencil the letters and then spray paint them, but as an invitation to those carrying a load or burden that continues to box in their perspective, framing it in pain, fallenness, broken faith, betrayal and resultant mistrust, as well as basic lack or loss of hope.

as we shared a few weeks back, the writer of the book of hebrews challenges us (in hebrews 10.25) to be instrumental in opening each others’ minds, inspiring each other to revolution and beautiful action.

(this is explored a bit further in the blogpost 'you say you want a revolution' and can be found by clicking here. )

when I think about the message that was neatly and poetically written on the sidewalk, I am reminded once again that the power of darkness in our world has some struggling with the difference between freedom and slavery: the worship gathering affords us the opportunity to escape from the prison of hopelessness and pain that masquerades as life here, just east of Eden, gaining some perspective in order to more lovingly serve hope to those still pacing back and forth in their cages.

there's a reason that the word sanctuary is used.

he's david the king, not david the letterman

We must correct and chasten one another when it is needed. We must not let our love for brothers or sisters cool when they sin; but neither must we speak as though all is well when it is not. True love shows itself not only by smiling at one another and speaking pleasantly. Real love desires the eternal welfare of our brothers, and it may become necessary at times to speak stern, unpleasant truths. I am not grateful to the brother who would see me go astray without trying to rescue me.
(J.N. Kildahl, 1857-1920)

in 2samuel12.1-13, king david is confronted by his spiritual guide/ life coach because it is obvious that the spring of his conscience has become stretched to the point where it no longer reels him back in. one whom both he and God have called and empowered to speak into his life does so and the king is reminded that everyone answers to someone, that he has abused his calling and his office, and in doing so has broken something that God has been using to move his larger plan for the redemption of the whole world forward. there needs to be some repentance in here if the king is ever going to once again be the giant killer- the 'man after God's own heart'

the fact that God actually accepts this repentance and resumes business, not as if it has never happened, but from where we are now- indeed, that God seems to be okay with having his messianic promise ultimately realized generations later in Jesus through this union that has begun so badly, serves to remind us all that God is especially good at redeeming everyday fallenness in order to further God's greater purposes.

grace makes beauty out of ugly things
(bono)

what about can draw our focus away from the role we are to play in God’s kingdom coming? what manner of calamity has this power in life?

relationships;
work stress;
personal baggage and burden;
emotional/physical health and wellness;
temptation…

in king david's case, it happens to be the sight of his neighbour's wife out bathing... a sight that is not only not his to drink in for obvious reasons, but which blows the whistle on the fact that he is already slipping off of his game a little. after all, the moment (chronicled in 2samuel11.1-2) takes place 'in the spring, at the time when kings go off to war...' and, whereas there is still kingly work to be done, he chooses to delegate, only to find himself walking around in the middle of the night looking for something to do. opportunity and motive. he's guilty of a number of things before he ever gives the order to have his neighbour placed on the front lines (a placement not in keeping with the man's rank... he does have a house in the same neighbourhood as the king) to be killed by the enemy.

well, whatever the case, king david confesses and repents when his soul friend confronts him with the truth- and he doesn't really have to. it is a choice he makes. he is david the king, not david letterman, and could have this holy man executed for treason and no one would be able to voice any question, lest they be put to death as well.

however, the king recognizes that one sin has already led to another and chooses to break the cycle before it escalates further. confession and repentence are the first steps on the restoration road.

a long ride down a curvy road

a friend was in my office one day and he presented me with a poser:

when you buy a car, you need to take it in every six months or your warranty is void. some employers require employees to get a yearly physical as part of their contract agreement. so why doesn't the church require people to come in for a check up on their marriage once or twice a year?

it was a good question, for which i did not have a good answer.

***

in his classic book zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, robert pirsig discusses what he believes are the fundamental differences between classicism and romanticism.

The romantic mode is primarily inspirational, imaginative, creative, intuitive. Feelings rather than facts predominate. 'Art' when it is opposed to 'Science' is often romantic. It does not proceed by reason or by laws. It proceeds by feeling, intuition and aesthetic conscience...

The classic mode, by contrast, proceeds by reason and by laws- which are themselves underlying forms of thought and behaviour...

Although motorcycle riding is romantic, motorcycle maintenance is purely classic.

There is a classic aesthetic which romantics often miss because of its subtlety. The classic style is straightforward, unadorned, unemotional, economical and carefully proportioned. Its purpose is not to inspire emotionally, but to bring order out of chaos and make the unknown known. It is not an aesthetically free and natural style. It is aesthetically restrained. Everything is under control. Its value is measured in terms of the skill with which this control is maintained...

Persons tend to think and feel exclusively in one mode or the other and in doing so tend to misunderstand and underestimate what the other mode is all about... (Pirsig, p67)

i was intrigued by the common thread that seemed to be pulling some personal reading, a personal conversation and a pile of relational circumstance together, synthesizing them into an idea that i could grasp. as i thought about marriage relationships and the need for ongoing and intentional connection within them, as well as regular diagnostic exercise, the thought crystalized:

in order to enjoy a longer ride (romantic), we need to tend to the necessary maintenance (classic). classicism is the key to a more satisfying and prolonged romance.

not wanting to oversimplify relational dynamics, i would contend that, in some way, every action and interaction taking place between a man and woman contributes to either a bond between them or its opposite: a rift.

looking closely at the biblical story of david and michal (chronicled in 2 samuel 6.14-23) i recognized a single, rather straightforward problem that results in a fight so final that a rift is formed between them where a bond once existed- a rift which endures the rest of their days and leaves them childless together. the problem is this:

somewhere along their way, they stop relating to each other.

they lose track of the fact that they are one flesh, meant to share intimately together on all levels. they stop connecting. they stop feeding the living thing that is the relationship which has been established between them over years of knowing and growing.

having not attended to the basic classical maintenance needs within the relationship, the romance has ended, leaving a man and woman shouting at each other in the same street that, just hours earlier, has been the location for a great celebration of God's favour and restorative power.

it's a sad story and the sadness is increased by two things:
1) its preventability- things didn't need to go this way
2) its familiarity- we see the same things happen daily within our relational circles. just as i sat in my office listening to my friend share of his own marital journey, we all find ourselves sitting together, either sharing our own tales of marital disappointment, confusion and pain, or listening to those of another. the story of david and michal is neither the first, nor last story of distance that has opened up between a man and a woman.

No one can escape ‘bad’ moments in marriage, but no one is meant to drown in the difficulty. (Dan B Allender)

in his book The 10 Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married, dr. guy grenier opens with a list of 15 rules of good communication (which are really strategies for meaningful discourse) and they are fairly predictable:
7 productive communication strategies to embrace
4 destructive communication tendencies to avoid
2 anger control strategies to apply, and
2 long-term maintenance strategies to lock in...

long-term maintenance strategies?
yep, with a rather familiar analogy that brings us full circle:

You've probably heard that changing the oil in your car is the single most useful thing you can do to maintain your vehicle. Every five thousand miles or ten thousand kilometres, you're supposed to do this basic, standard maintenance. Depending on how much you drive, this typically means an oil change every three or four months. Metaphorically, this type of regular maintenance is what you want to be doing with your relationship as well. To extend the metaphor a bit, in the same way that a regular oil change is perhaps the best thing you can do for your car, checking in with your partner as to the ongoing status of the relationship may also be the best possible approach to long-term relationship maintenance you can take...

"How we doin'?" conversations prevent lingering resentments from coming to full flower by ensuring that there are regular opportunities to deal with upsetting issues. They demand a culture of problem solving in the relationship and dramatically reduce the possibility of issue avoidance and the use of passive-aggressive strategies. Essentially, "How we doin'?" conversations make being frank and candid with each other a regular and expected event rather than one that's exceptional. (Grenier pp63-64)

so what if everyone who is married made a 'diagnostic' appointment once a year to spend an hour just talking together with someone who was there to help them explore the existing relationship between husband and wife and attend to some possible maintenance needs that exist within the marriage and which may be keeping that thing from really flying down that curving road that stretches from now 'til death do us part?'

*note: to celebrate their 30th anniversary, my mother and father rode a motorcycle diagonally across the continent, from british columbia to the tip of the florida keys. it took them thirty days to make the round trip. that was twenty years ago and they still ride the bike together. that's what i'm talking about.

the big snit

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage. (Martin Luther)

God set this one up- talk to him. looking upon all of creation, God noted that it was not good for the man to be alone and that a suitable helper was the solution. historically, many have missed God’s point, concluding that ‘helper’ is an assistant rather than an associate. however, the hebrew word ‘ezer from the original text brings with it the idea of relief and aid, not simply help.

it is a word of collective strength and equality.

No marriage- no matter how good- is immune to bad things. We all suffer private problems and sometimes public pitfalls. Sexual unfulfillment that quietly hardens our hearts. Financial debt that shrouds us in shame. Hope deferred by the anguish of infertility. Communication meltdowns that tempt us to quit trying. Ugly addictions that drive us into secret lives. Problems with anger that cause loved ones to walk on eggshells. Personal pain from an abusive past that keeps us from loving in the present. The list could go on and on. The bad things, both big and small, that interfere with a good marriage are countless...

If we were to ask you where on a continuum- from very bad to very good- your marriage falls, chances are you would say somewhere in the middle. And chances are that your self ranking has propelled you, at one time or another, to ask a potentially painful question about your marriage:

Is THIS as good as it gets?
(Les and Leslie Parrott)

king david may very well be thinking this as he, the great warrior king of Israel, leaves his house following one of the biggest battles of his career- one he has with his wife over worship style (2 samuel 6.14-23)… however, if we look at the back story, we can see that the marriage of david and michal has been a ticking bomb waiting to go off…

• 1 sam14.49: michal is the youngest daughter of saul, israel's first disappointing king.
• 1 sam18.20-1, 27-8 as a girl, she is smitten with david, and then strategically betrothed
• 1 sam19.11-17 she chooses faithfulness and protection to david over supporting her father's insecurity
  
• 1 sam25.44 she is given to another by the king to punish both her and david for 'treason'
  
• 2 sam 3.13-15 for political reasons years later, she is taken out of what appears to have been a good marriage and dragged back to the house of david, now king. her husband follows the royal procession for miles, weeping and begging in vain for clemency.

now whether she has been keeping a candle burning in her heart for dave or not, the reality is that she is a different person now, as is he. the thrilling young giant killer is now a man of power and consequence, and she is now another man's woman, regardless of having been betrothed to the king in her earlier life. her heart has been broken a couple times by politics before she comes to be legislated into the king's household as another of his many brides.

whatever the case, over the next 3 chapters of samuel's 2nd book, david and michal grow further apart, as the demands of his job and some unresolved conflict take their toll. there is a thickening plot repleat with many job-related challenges. it's tough to be a king (or a king's wife) amidst:

a civil war
two major assassinations and their political ramifications
the uniting of the country
the taking back of jerusalem
the defeating of the philistines
the returning of the ark of the covenant (God’s physical presence) to jerusalem, symbolizing the restoration of the people and the promise...

so when david comes home to bless his own household after the great celebration in the streets of jerusalem in which he stripped down to his umbros and danced in worshipful joy in front of God and everyone, he walks right into that which has poetically made the very fury of hell seem like a nice breeze- a woman's scorn.

marriage expert gary smalley, in his video ‘The Art of Communication part 1: Forgiveness’, identifies anger’s Big 4. they are clearly part of david and michal’s big snit. now, i realize there's no need to somehow draw attention to the fact that, within this story, there is anger. the idea here is to explore the shape and the structure of this example of anger with the hope of more clearly understanding it and taking measures to prevent it within our own relationships.

1. withdrawal: michal is detached, watching from a window. (6.16) she does not come down and participate in the festivities as the wife of the victorious king might. she remembers being drawn into the street dances as a young girl, singing with the crowd how 'saul has killed his thousands, david his ten thousands.' all these years later, david's still the celebrity, but she is seeing it all through older, embittered eyes, perhaps feeling like one of the ten thousand. was that old song about breaking hearts, she wonders?
   
2. escalation: michal despises him in her heart, and does eventually come out when the crowd has dispersed and david is once more not a returning king but just a man coming home. (6.16, 20) the anger has been steeping for quite awhile, now, and is about to be served.
   
3. belittling: michal uses sarcasm, attacking both david’s kingship and his worship expression. (6.20) she knows his heart, knows that the dance wasn't about her, but also knows that the dancing king who has once again captured not only jerusalem but the hearts of its people has a soft spot when it comes to personal worship. she attacks him in a place where he is most vulnerable- his worshiper's heart.
   
4. negativity: michal sees this as reinforcement of her negative thoughts. (6.20) she has come to believe things about her husband that are probably not true: that he is intentionally breaking hearts and seeking celebrity among the lusty hearts of the young slave girls of jerusalem in one of those brad pitt scenarios where all the men want to be him and all the women want to be with him. her defaults have been reset and she now sees her husband through the eyes of well-maintained pain, disappointment and heartbreak.

david, for his part, strikes back fairly well.

having been on the run for so many years, his limbic system is sharp and he is not to be overcome by one of the women in his world. if he's taken aback by michal's words, he bounces back fast (6.21) with a strong reminder that the dance in question was for the same God that had rejected her father as king. if michal has somehow thought of or eluded to the past, david cites it outright.

he is, after all, a great fighter of battles. he knows how to win. and as far as the insulting nature of michal's attack on his publicly demonstrative worship expression, the public humiliation delivered to michal by establishing her as a wife of the king who fails to give the king an heir to the throne in a culture where this is really her only real function (6.23) is like returning a slap in the face with disfigurement. yes, david wins, i suppose.

sadly for both of them, though, marriage isn't about winning. it's about being there for one another- being that helper; that God-intended relief.

clearly, david and michal had become disconnected long before their big fight. the challenge for those of us reading the story over 3000 years later is to not take sides in the conflict, but to see the mutual sadness and work at preventing it from taking root within our own relationships.